Worst Case Scenario

When I woke on Thursday morning I knew I'd had a restless night. There was several hours still to go before my appointment at 2.30pm and I was hoping that being at work would serve as a useful distraction. Normally the mornings go relatively quickly and lunchtimes are upon us before we realise.......but not today. The clock ticked painstakingly slow. 

Finally Neil arrived to pick me up and we set off to the hospital. Over the previous few days I'd had many people give me their thoughts on what I would be told. I had deliberately not been scouring the internet for information as I didn't know exactly what I was dealing with, but my hope was that at worst, it would be tablets for the rest of my life.

After the usual weighing and measuring in, which I think is just to waste some time we sat in the waiting room until it was my turn.

Finally we were called through. The results of my 48 hour monitor had confirmed the original diagnosis, I had 2nd degree av block which, the doctor explained meant my heart sometimes didn't beat when it should. The monitor showed this was only happening at night when I was asleep at the moment. I asked whether I had type 1 or type 2 and he confirmed I had type 2, the worst of the types. The condition would get progressively worst if it went untreated until eventually it would lead to a complete heart block. He confirmed the effect of the missing heartbeat can be dizziness or fainting and this could have been the cause of my recent accident. Having asked several more questions about how I was feeling he went off to speak with the Cardiologist on duty.

We had to wait several minutes before he returned with the plan of action, and that's when I received a massive shock.

They were going to give me a pacemaker!

I didn't feel ill enough to warrant such an outcome, there must be something else they could do first, but no, this was the only course of action that would correct my problem. I was at 'worst case scenario' stage.

After that, my mind shut off, I have little knowledge of what else was said between the doctor and Neil, I was stunned.

Now, I have to wait for the next stage, an echo-cardiogram so that they can check the structure of my heart before they carry out the procedure. I have to ring the hospital on Tuesday to get some timescales involved. 

In the meantime I am not allowed to have spicy food or alcohol, I have to avoid getting over-excited and I am not allowed to drive. I am told I can resume all of them after the pacemaker is fitted.

I've had a couple of days to come to terms with what is going to happen to me. I am trying to focus on the positives, that I am lucky they have identified the problem before it has got any worse, that after the procedure I can continue to live life as before and that I will always be closely monitored so the chances of something going unheeded is low. The rational side of me can see that I have been very fortunate to have been referred for the series of tests that has highlighted the problem now. 

The emotional side of me is struggling. It doesn't surface often but I am scared. Scared of what is going to happen over the next few weeks. I am lucky, I have a lot of support from family and friends, and Neil who knows that I am now worried about sleeping because the problem happens at night, tells me he checks on me several times throughout the night while I sleep, to make sure I am OK.  It is reassuring.

There is still a part of me that can't quite believe this is all happening. 

Wow!